The Thirst

"The Thirst" (2006, Jeremy Kasten, Anchor Bay Entertainment, Starz) is a vampire B-Movie I bought for 4 main reasons.

1. It was £1.50
2. It stars quite a bounty of Whedon alumni: Clare Kramer ('Glory' from BTVS and she was also in the original 'Bring It On'), Adam Baldwin ('Jayne' from Firefly), Tom Lenk ('Andrew' from BTVS and Angel) and Serena Scott Thomas (also a Buffy alumni)
3. It looked gory
4. At least 2 Rasputina songs are featured in it (listen out for the song 'Antique High Heel Red Doll Shoes' - it's weirdly awesome!)

 The film is about addiction, as vampire films sometimes are (see 'Lost Boys: The Thirst'). Maxx (Matt Keeslar, who you may know from 'Dune') and his girlfriend, Lisa (Clare Kramer) are recovering drug addicts. What particular drug is not mentioned, so I'm going to guess heroine.

Maxx is attending something similar to AA Meetings, but Lisa is not. Actually, she is stripping at a sleazy nightclub wearing a 'Hitgirl'-esque wig (of course, this was before 'Kick Ass' came out). Maxx shares with the group that he suspects that Lisa is still using and is hiding it from him. Little does he know that she's in fact hiding something completely different and equally deadly, from him.

Lisa can't face the world and commits suicide, leaving Maxx completely distraught. Before he reaches the point of no return, his buddies take him to an erotic nightclub where besides meeting some interesting characters including submissive/bottom, Kronos (Tom Lenk), Maxx also swears that he spies Lisa dancing.

He can't stand the nagging feeling that he really saw her, so returns to the club asking for her and gains access to the VIP room... It's safe to say he didn't find what he was expecting!

The story's OK, and I love at least 3 of the actors, but the film just isn't a keeper, I'm afraid. There is a lot of blood and a fair amount of boobs and dancing to keep you entertained. Adam Baldwin is pretty much Jayne with more bloodlust, and the leader of the vampire gang, Darius (Jeremy Sisto) is entertaining. There's a lot of fight scenes and trippy scenes (one scene may disturb cat lovers), and generally this film should be good, but it's just not. As a low-budget lover, I should find this to be a hidden gem, but you know I think it's just badly put together. The editing is below par and even a whole truck-load of fake blood isn't going to fix that!

I think, had they decided if Maxx was a dick or a nice guy, his love story with Lisa would have been more filled out. As it was, I just didn't really care. Also, if they had played a little more on the mystique of seeing Lisa in the club, it would have mean't more. Everything seemed to be suddenly resolved very quickly. It was as if they had cut out masses of plot to get more tits in! I mean, what is this, a low budget vampire chick movie?!... oh, wait....

Really, they tried to fit too much in and ended up giving a terribly edited and unmoving plot. However, I liked the ending; artsy and complete, they didn't torture us with the thought of any sequels!

So yes, the film is awful. It's not funny. It's not well written, and aside from some attractive cast members (both for cult status and just normal attractiveness POV), there just isn't much in this film I'd compliment.

But there are a lot of naked people and some terrible one liners. Some of the special effects were not too bad (eg. burning effects, wounds...), but the blood sprays were just ludicrous and everyone who was getting eaten, hurt or stabbed just seemed to lie there and take it and scream half-heartedly about it. There is a fair amount of gore and blood, though, so if you like Hellraiser-esque OTT blood baths, then you may enjoy this.

But I'd recommend many other movies over this one. And I'm afraid Mr. DVD, it's straight to the charity shop with you!

[Picture: Starz & Anchor Bay Entertainment]

Hani

From Dusk Till Dawn

"From Dusk Till Dawn" (1996, Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino, Dimension Films, A Band Apart, Los Hooligans) is a gore fest action/crime/comedy/horror from Rodriguez and Tarantino.

From the onset, the film appears to be about two criminal brothers who are on the run from the feds and police, and are also in the middle of a heist worth a lot of money if they can get to Mexico and meet their contact, Carlos.

The brothers are Seth Gecko (George Clooney), the smooth, arrogant and haughty 'leader' and his younger and more sinister brother, Richie Gecko (Quentin Tarantino), who is a volatile sex fiend, rapist, murderer and all 'round crazy person!

We meet the brothers as they attack a petrol station/liquor store clerk (John Hawkes) and his only customer, the local Ranger McGraw (Michael Parks) after Richie begins to feel a bit twitchy. I always remember this scene the best, as when I was younger I was particularly intrigued with the 'shot through the hand' bit. Gross!

They move on to a motel, leaving a mess in their wake, and extract the terrified bank cashier lady from their car trunk. And we get to find out just how crazy Richie really is!

Soon the guys need a ride, and some innocent looking 'friends' to help them get across the border, and so they kidnap an ex-minister, Jacob (Harvey Keitel) and his two children, adopted son Scott (Ernest Liu) and daughter Kate (Juliette Lewis). Jacob is having a crisis of faith after his wife died in tragic circumstances and has dragged his kids on the road with him in his motorhome...

After getting over the border, they head to a biker/trucker bar called 'The Titty Twister' which has a lurid and entertaining luminous sign, and wait there drinking 'whisky' (I'm Scottish, I can be snobby about what's whisky and what's not! Although, I drink bourbon myself...) while they wait on Carlos (Cheech Marin, who also plays quite a few parts in this film, I noticed!).

But this bar is not all that it seems, and there is a specific reason for it closing at dawn.... Everyone from the exotic dancers to the Machete dude (Danny Trejo) behind the bar are vampires... everyone except the clientelle, that is! When the feeding frenzy begins, our two murderous thieves, their kidnapped friends, a biker called Sex Machine (Cheech Marin again) and a Vietnam trucker called Frost (Fred Williamson) have to team together as best they can to try to survive.

Will anyone make it out? And when the hell will Carlos get there!?!

A tongue in cheek gorefest with some very 90s SFX and a lot of boobies. One of the sleaziest biker vampire movies on my shelf; it's just hilarious! And isn't it funny how vampire chicks suddenly get really ugly when they let their true nature show?

Danny Trejo makes an excellent vampire man in his little leather... whatever that was mean't to be! A vest? A tunic? Heck knows!

Clooney makes an excellent bad guy in this film, being both threatening and also likeable in that charismatic dickhead kind of a way.

Tarantino is terrifying as the psychotic rapist brother. He's a scary dude! I would not cross him!

Lots of body parts fly, there's a corpse guitar and a shed-load of corny, tongue in cheek violence (to go along with the truly Tarantino-esque beginning scene). Really, the vampires are entertaining and sure get an impressive kill scene, but damn it the humans are way scarier!

I'm sure this film has some kind of message, but all it says to me is that no matter how much of a jackass you are, vampires will eat you...? Oh, and rock music is awesome. And snakes are cool. Yep, deep film...

[Picture: Dimension Films & infinitecoolness.com]

Hani