Hardware

"Hardware" (1990, Richard Stanley, British Satellite Broadcasting, Unlimited Palace Productions, Palace Pictures, Miramax) is a post-apocalyptic dystopian sci-fi film.

The world is a mess and a war is raging. During the Christmas ceasefire, "Hard Mo" Baxter (Dylan McDermott) and his buddy Shades (John Lynch) are visiting junk dealer, Alvy (Mark Northover), when a nomad walks in with some robot body parts.

Hard Mo, being a hard-ass and all, takes these parts to his recluse girlfriend, Jill (Stacey Travis). Little does he suspect that this robot will come back to life and rebuild itself before trying to take out every human it sees.

The plot is ok and the visuals are fun. There's even some good action sequences. My main issue with the film as a whole was that I was bored. It's a shame I feel that way because a lot of people rave about it. Perhaps they see something I didn't. But I was excited to see this film in the line-up at the "All Night Horror Madness" night and by far I thought of it as the worst entry of the night by the end.

Slow and not extremely engaging , the film does benefit from good visuals and cameos from Iggy Pop (vocal) and Lemmy.

[Image: British Satellite Broadcasting]

Hani

Frankenhooker

"Frankenhooker" (1998, Frank Henenlotter, Shapiro-Glickenhaus Entertainment) is exactly what you think it is.

We meet Jeffrey Franken (James Lorinz) who is a science geek electrician meddling with biology (despite having been thrown out of medical school) and his fiancée, Elizabeth (Patty Mullen) who is constantly being nagged by her mother about her weight. 

Unfortunately, at her dad's birthday party, Elizabeth is killed by a freak lawnmower accident which completely dismembers her.

Going further round the twist, Franken concocts a plan to rebuild his bride-to-be using body parts from other women. Naturally, the best way he can think of to get enough body parts is to kill a bunch of sex workers and stitch them together for reanimation. 

Once awakened, the creature is confused, having a mixture of Elizabeth's and the other women's memories, and breaks free to rampage through the city in search of a 'date'. 

Lorinz's mad scientist is great fun and who doesn't love an exploding hooker mannequin? But Patty Mullen steals the show with her hilarious undead facial expressions and monster act. The film boasts the kind of effects you have to associate with all Henenlotter creations, and a very entertaining ending. 

[Image: Shapiro-Glickenhaus Entertainment]

Hani

The Wax Mask

"The Wax Mask" (1997, Sergio Stivaletti, Dario Argento, Lucio Fulci, Cine 2000, Mediaset, France Film International, Italian International Film) is a wax museum film.

Fulci died making this film and so I'm not 100% sure how true the end result is to his script, but it is indeed a lot of fun to watch.

With a kind of incidental Steampunk style (incidental because, as far as I'm aware, there was no such genre as 'Steampunk' in 1997), The Wax Mask tells a tale set in 1900s Paris. We see a couple brutally (and hilariously) butchered by a man with a clawed metal hand. We also see a young girl, their daughter, cowering under the bed.

Years pass and said young girl is now a costume maker working at a wax museum. The museum has gained some disrepute due to its gory collection of sculptures and, after the death of a young man who was dared to stay the night, the museum becomes more and more creepy.

It's fun, gothic and a little gory. The effects are nice and the props are awesome. The story is a little average as far as wax museum films go, but there's a nice added Frankenstein element which is fun. 

I'm not a huge fan of the ending, however, which seemed a little diverted from the rest of the film's styling, and I think I prefer the Italian version with the subtitles to the dubbed English, which can make the acting seem a little odd.

All in all, worth your while, but not a great representation of Argento, Fulci or Stivaletti.

[Image: Cine 2000]

 

Hani

Cradle of Fear

"Cradle of Fear" (2001, Alex Chandon, Dani Filth, Pragmatic Pictures ltd.) is a British splatter film starring Dani Filth (Dani Davey) from Cradle of Filth, a band I owe much of my teen years to spent listening to their dark, angry songs. Good times. In fact I still like them. Please don't judge me.

The film is a horror anthology of sorts, similar in layout to "Trick 'r Treat" in that there is an encompassing story, all tales are interlinked, but unlike other anthologies there isn't a narrator.

A series of gruesome murders are seen around town, each in itself a tale. Our encompassing plot follows Detective Inspector Neilson (Edmund Dehn), a troubled and slightly creepy man, as he investigates the murders and attempts to piece things together. Soon he discovers that these new killings are linked to an old case of his, and also his own life.

Gothed up and chalk full of drugs and alcohol the shorts are OTT gory and a little silly. There's also a lot of flashing lights and, of course, some Cradle of Filth tunes. It's certainly not everyone's cup of... whatever, and it's not particularly creative or fantastically pieced together, but it's a mildly entertaining 2 hours of gore, nudity and hammy acting.

Some interesting things are touched on in the plot (including some usual tropes) such as Satanism, goth sub-culture, child abuse, rape, insanity, drugs, demons, body issues, sex, love, murder, obsession and online snuff porn. Pretty much what you would expect from this film! But it's certainly not cerebral viewing and definitely lives on my 'switch-off-brain-gore-fest' shelf.

[Image: Pragmatic Pictures, ltd.]

 

Hani

The Bat

"The Bat" (1959, Crane Wilbur, Allied Artists) is a film adaptation of a stage play by the same name. This was not the first film version of the script, but it's the only one I've seen. Mainly because it stars Vincent Price.

Cornelia Van Gorder (Agnes Moorehead) is a leading female crime novelist whose mansion house is in a town currently being stalked by a masked killer with blade-tipped fingers known as The Bat, who is on the hunt for a large sum of money which is hidden somewhere nearby.

Her housemaid (or possible lesbian lover, I've not decided), Lizzy (Lenita Lane), is bitten by a real bat one night, and so they call out Dr. Malcolm Wells (Vincent Price).

But when The Bat is seen snooping around the house, the mystery novelist is having to unravel a real mystery for a change as she and the police try to decipher who is behind the murders and why, before it is too late!

The Bat himself is actually quite creepy with his faceless mask and his Freddy Krueger-esque gloves. Of course, he's not scary in comparison to some of the more modern villains, but his sneaky antics are fun to watch.

Old fashioned, creaky and fun (with some very tame humour) I enjoy this mystery movie for what it is. It remains one of my favourite Price films as his delivery is great and he remains suspicious and suave but not hokey throughout. Although, I hasten to add, he does not feature as much as the poster would have you believe!

 

 

[Image: Allied Artists]

 

Hani

End Call

"End Call" (2008, Kiyoshi Yamamoto, Monte Cristo Entertainment, T.O. Entertainment) is a Japanese tech horror. 

A group of schoolgirls come across the Devil's phone number and discover if you phone it at midnight he will grant your greatest wish at the cost of taking the duration of your call from your lifespan. Naturally, he's like a crappy text message Wishmaster, so nothing you wish for ever works out well for you.

The film is not in chronological order and jumps back and forth a lot. It's also not terribly scary, which I was disappointed with considering how freaky some other larger budget J-Horror films are!

The action scenes are few and far between and there's a lot of quiet dialogue. 

One thing the Devil also seems to excel at is running up a large phone bill for his callers, so one girl resorts to becoming a hooker to pay her bill...

Most of the girls' problems are trivial teen girl issues. "Oh, I don't have a boyfriend.", "I'm not popular" and such, although there was a chilling scene with an abusive father that gets his comeuppance. 

Quite an average film and not the best introduction to J-Horror, so if you're new to the genre I recommend watching "One Missed Call" or "The Ring" instead (and no, I don't mean the American remakes!).

Sometimes a film's obscurity is for a reason...

 [Image: T.O. Entertainment]

Hani

Munsters' Revenge

"The Munsters' Revenge" (1981, Universal Studios) is the made-for-TV film with original cast members Herman (Fred Gwynne), Lily (Yvonne De Carlo) and Grandpa (Al Lewis) Munster.

The Munster family have been immortalised as waxworks in a local museum. Unfortunately, these wax models are actually evil robots who wreak havoc all over town, resulting in Herman and Grandpa being blamed for the crimes and thrown in prison!

Can they clear their names before the big Munster Halloween party?

A fun little film which doesn't deviate from the characters, humour or styling of the original show and kept me suitably entertained on a long train ride.

[Image: Universal Studios]

Hani