Friday The 13th (2009)

"Friday The 13th" (2009, Marcus Nispel, Michael Bay, Paramount Pictures, New Line Cinema, Platinum Dunes) is the remake of the first four original "Friday the 13th" films, pretty much, all mashed into one.

Well, what can I say other than, as usual, Michael Bay's stamp has once again brought mostly disappointment to a classic reboot which had so much potential. Although, it's not really his fault. He didn't direct it. It's the man behind 2003's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake, Marcus Nispel, who did all of that.

I'm just venting here. The main problems with this film is the sheer uncreative pitfalls which it falls into.

I love films which involve teens, cabins, woods, mishaps and murder. But, I also like a little bit of something different in there, too. "F13 Reboot" only goes through the motions and ups the sex and gore. The kills aren't tense or scary, and the characters are too same-y and obnoxious. I refuse to believe that all floppy haired boys in America are complete douche-bags!

The kills feel like they are just checking off the list and often I found myself sighing audibly and just waiting for the scene to end. I'm usually the relishing type. 

Jason is excellently played by Derek Mears, a mountain of a man, who gives us a faster-moving, thinking Jason Vorhees, still with menacing demeanour. The main fault in the Jason character is his severe lack of good lurking. Sure, he's lurking but he's too obvious, and where's the creepy 'from Jason's perspective' bits?

The film starts at the end of the original film, but also covers two separate groups of teens.The characters are disposable as hell, which is handy as they get disposed of as fast as hell!

The grounding point of the original F13 films is that Jason died because camp counsellors were drinking and having sex, instead of looking after him. And so, there's plenty of boobs and there's more sex scenes than horror... And who doesn't like a bit of beer pong and (slightly safer than real life) danger can?

The gore is good, even if the kill scenes themselves are just boring, long and nothing to write home about. But there's too much going on and just generally the film feels like an empty, oversexed gore-fest without any real comedic breaks (even if they do try hard to create this in three characters).

Of course, I can't really fault the acting, which, for an F13 film is excellent. Mainly because the actors playing the 2 Dimensional slasher fodder this time are actually known. Oh, and naturally, I do love Jared Padalecki, who makes this film flow a lot better than it would have otherwise as he searches for his missing sister (from the set of teens who were camping).

Now, I'm not saying it's anything worse than some of the other "F13"s out there, because, like all horror franchises, they jumped the shark so high they ended up in space... Quite literally, see 'Jason X'. 

Plus, we get to have the hockey mask!

But it's nothing new, and apart from being a vehicle for some young actors, a string to the director's bow and a fab creative project for the special effects guys, this film holds nothing I care about and probably doesn't even appeal to the teens of today, who should, in my view, really be made to watch the originals anyway! Give me a grainy, dirty, low budget slasher flick over this film any day.

First they beheaded his mother, now they're stealing his wild-growing weed!

Hani

The House of Wax (2005)

"The House of Wax" (2005, Jaume Collet-Serra, Village Roadshow Pictures, Dark Castle Entertainment, Warner Bros. Pictures) is the modern remake of the 1953 horror (of which you can find my review here: http://horrorev.blogspot.ie/2012/07/house-of-wax-1953.html ), which was itself a remake of a previous film from 1933! (Which is also really good, but isn't a horror - more a murder mystery!)

Naturally, the 2005 version is sexed up, bloodied up and taken in a completely different, and somewhat more perverted, direction. Also, Paris Hilton is in it. But don't judge it on this fact alone!

At my High School Prom (back in ye olde 2006), we watched this film at my friend's house afterwards. We saw one particular clip 15 times on repeat. Three guesses as to which bit... Let me give you a hint, it involves Paris Hilton and a large spear.... Now you're thinking something really disturbing, aren't you? Filthy minds!

This film has suffered some terrible reviews over the years. I think it's main issue is people don't care about Wax museums any more, and not that many modern viewers (particularly the teenage group this film was aiming at) have heard of the Vincent Price or the '33 versions. The plot seems outlandish and odd to some. Unless you've been to Madame Tussaud's, however, and realised how freaky wax figures really are!!!

Following the common horror convention of a road trip (football game in this case), several promiscuous 20-something-year-olds, couples mostly, but you can't always tell in these types of films, get stuck. Their car then breaks down so they stop and camp for the night. During the night, the camp is disturbed by someone menacing in a truck.

In the morning, they split up (Excellent plan. No possible harm could come to anyone with this plan!), some staying with the broken Dodge and the others going in search of someone to sell them a new fan belt. The two who left the camp come across an odd little town called Ambrose, which is very quiet. They accidentally walk in on a funeral, and meet a mechanic called Bo (Brian Van Holt), who offers to help them once the service has ended. Feeling embarrassed, but glad of the offer, the two look around the local Waxwork museum (which is itself made of wax!). It's all very eerie... then we delve into the horror.

I got this film in a triple boxset which had the 1933 and 1953 versions in it, and as much as the 2005 version pales in comparison to the two classics (in regards to plot), this film has quite a lot going for it: It's gory, it has psychotics which overreach the polite boundaries trodden by Price in the '53 version, and it has Jared Padalecki in it (That's Sam Winchester from 'Supernatural' if you don't know already)! Not that I knew who the hell Jared Padalecki was in 2006, but it's one of the main reasons I keep this film on my shelf (aside from the gore of course!).

There are quite a lot of cheap scares and sheer bloody scenes, but that's what you're watching it for! And if it's not, then maybe you should be looking at a different genre? It doesn't exactly break any new ground, but I've never understood what makes it 'bad' in some people's books? It just seems like your average modern horror to me (boobs, blood and scares)! Plus, the plot is actually pretty disturbing, even if it's not very likely. Give it a try!

[Image: Village Roadshow Pictures & Dark Castle Entertainment]

Hani