IT: Chapter Two

"IT: Chapter Two" (2019, Andy Muschietti, New Line Cinema, Double Dream, Vertigo Entertainment, Rideback, Warner Bros. Pictures) is the sequel to 2017's "IT" based on Stephen King's classic, "IT".


It's 2016 and we return to Derry, Maine to witness the violent and upsetting end of a man called Adrian in front of his boyfriend, Don. Adrian's death, however, does piqué the interest of our friend, and long time Derry man, Mike Hanlon (Isaiah Mustafa) who has been diligently (read 'obsessively') scanning the newspapers and airwaves for any sign that Pennywise has returned to feast on the people of the town once more.


Mike contacts the members of the Loser's Club one by one and finds that they have all but forgotten him due to the creature's defences. Reluctantly, they mostly agree to return to the town, but they're a little fuzzy on why...


Losers Club leader, Bill (James McAvoy), has become a successful writer and is working on a film based on one of his books. Richie (Bill Hader) is a successful comedian. Beverly (Jessica Chastain) has swapped her relationship with her abusive father for an abusive, but wealthy, husband. Eddie (James Ransone) has put his hypochondria to good use and become a successful risk assessor. Stanley (Andy Bean) is happily married and working as an accountant. And Ben (Jay Ryan) has buffed up and become a successful architect.


The gang head back to Derry, minus one, and as, their memories start to return, so do their fears. The creature begins almost instantly to launch an attack on the, now adult, Losers Club as well as getting their old childhood bully, Henry Bowers (Teach Grant) back in town to further hamper the Club's attempts to put a stop to It once and for all.


I enjoyed the first instalment, but feel that the second chapter flowed better as a film and had slightly better pacing than its predecessor. The younger casting had been so strong that I had been apprehensive as to how the adult casting would compare, but I felt that they were extremely well matched and I had no issues believing them to be the adult versions of the younger actors. Bill Hader particularly, steals the show somewhat with an emotional portrayal of motor-mouth Richie. The Losers are all broken as adults, and we feel for them all.


Bill Skarsgård gives just as excellent performance as Pennywise the Dancing Clown as he did in the first film. Although the film relies perhaps a little too heavily on CGI to achieve all the effects, which makes sense when you have a shapeshifting, human eating monster on the loose, the most effective part of the monster is Skarsgård's disturbing and engaging performance. There is a scene with the clown make up mostly removed which further solidifies how effective his performance is.


The film is punctuated with humour, much like its predecessor, and then plummets to some serious lows (I won't deny feeling a little tearful near the end) but overall sticks to the Losers conquering evil themes of the novel. We also enjoy one of Stephen King's cameos as a pawnshop owner who sells Bill back his old bike.


Although three hours is a long run time, if you enjoyed the first film, you are unlikely to be disappointed by the follow up. But equally, if you disliked the previous instalment it's unlikely that this film will swing you in another direction.

[Image: Warner Bros. Pictures, et al]

Hani

Suspiria (2018)

"Suspiria" (2018, Luca Guadagnino K Period Media, Frenesy Film Company, Videa Mythology Entertainment, Memo Films, Vega Baby) is the arthouse re-imagining of the 1977 Dario Argento film of the same name.

Susie Bannion (Dakota Johnson) leaves Ohio and enrols in a dance academy in West Berlin. She becomes the favourite of the instructor, Madame Blanc (Tilda Swinton), but begins to suspect that something very strange is going on at the school as she and her friend Sara (Mia Goth) begin investigating. At the same time, a psychologist (also Swinton in impressive prosthetics making this, minus some minor roles, an all-female cast) is investigating the school after the disappearance of  his patient, Patricia (Chloë Grace Moretz), who had left journals stating that she believed the matrons of the school to be witches.

Cards on the table I did not love this film. I found the length excessive with long winded shots and scenes that seemed artsy for the sake of it, rather than a statement or style. The film's pacing was tedious and I found the plot to be somewhat incoherent (and that's saying something from me, a fan of some of the most incoherent B-movies ever made). The whole side-plot with the Doctor seemed unnecessary and the grim styling, which I'll get to below, coupled with the pacing made the film seem even slower. Unlike the original, the remake also didn't have a strong memorable score. In honesty, I can't imagine how this could be achieved without infringing on the original, but I felt that I barely noticed the score at all.

That's not to say that I didn't find things I liked about the film. The styling and colouration of the original could not be matched or recreated without seeming like a pointless copy, so I admire the direction of Guadagnino to go his own way. The style seems consistent with West Berlin in the 70s. The scenery is also reminiscent of the original but much more drab, grey and gritty. I also appreciated that the film was immersed completely in its German setting. As a German language learner I was thrilled to pick up most of the German dialogue without the need of subtitles. However, for non-speakers of the language it perhaps made a long film feel even longer.

The body-horror elements were really good; lots of bone breaking, gut spilling and pants pissing, and a very chaotic and Giallo-homage ridden scene filled to the brim with nude dancers and grizzled old witches. However, the journey to reach the payoffs was long and, although the gore and effects were stunning, even these scenes seemed overly long and lingered too much which, for me, robbed them of some of their effect.

While I didn't hate the film, I am unlikely to watch it again and view it as an experience as a genre fan, rather than a piece of entertainment. Clearly it just isn't for me.

[Image: K Period Media, et al]

Hani

Day of the Dead: Bloodline

"Day of the Dead: Bloodline" (2018, Hèctor Hernández Vicens, Saban Capital Group, Campbell Grobman Films, Millennium Films, Lionsgate Films) is the second remake of George A. Romero's famous classic.

We follow Zoe Parker (Sophie Skelton), a medical student who has survived the zombie apocalypse and is now dwelling with military personnel and another few survivors in a bunker as, like in the original film and the 2008 remake, they are attempting to find a cure for zombie-ism.

A pretty lacklustre attempt that manages to take the familiar story of the original and lose all of the soul and message behind it. Reduced to being a fairly standard zombie flick.

While Bub (Sherman Howard) looks pretty spot on, stylistically, they chose to make him a bit more monstrous than Romero's Bub and a little less likeable.

In a time when we are overrun with zombie movie choices, I wouldn't be in a hurry to watch this one again.

[Image: Lionsgate Films, et al]

Hani 

IT (2017)

"IT" aka "IT: Chapter One" (2017, Andy Muschietti, New Line Cinema, RatPac-Dune Entertainment, Vertigo Entertainment, Lin Pictures, KatzSmith Productions, Warner Bros. Pictures) is based on Stephen King's amazing novel of the same name.

On a stormy day, Bill (Jaeden Lieberher) gives his little brother, Georgie (Jackson Robert Scott), a sailboat made of paper to play with outside. But, when innocent little Georgie's sailboat floats down a storm drain, he makes the acquaintance of Pennywise the Dancing Clown (Bill Skarsgård) and meets a gruesome end. For Bill and his band of misfit friends, however, it is just the beginning as he tries to find out what happened to his baby brother, and they are all taunted by IT...

What a thrilling experience it was to see a horror film in a cinema and actually get a few scares! I had been apprehensive as Tim Curry's rendition of Pennywise is so iconic that I couldn't imagine anyone else in the role, but Skarsgård has really made this version of the clown creature his own. Not only is he bitter-sweet, off-balanced and straight up freaky, but he's also so well designed. The clown is just different enough to mark this character as a whole new imagining.

The film stays pretty close to King's masterpiece, and although obviously not every plot point could be squeezed into the run time, I didn't feel that it was rushed or lost any of the pacing. Of course, we still have the next part of the book to cover, and, having now seen the first instalment, I have high hopes for the second battle.

The 80s vibe and styling is excellently achieved. From the clothing to the background advertising, it feels very authentic. I'm really enjoying the 80s love at the moment.

The Losers Club are perfect. All the actors give such a great, realistic performance and bring the roles to life. I can only hope their adult counterparts in the next movie can continue with such style. The characters in this story have such horrid background stories and face some traumatic situations and the movie does well to lighten the tone with some humour now and again. This also just makes the darker scenes all the more cutting.

Aside from leading man, Bill, who gives a fantastic performance and holds the club together, we are joined by Bev (Sophia Lillis); lone girl of the group who, as well as being bullied relentlessly at school also has a traumatic and horrifying home life. Ben (Jeremy Ray Taylor); love sick, overweight romantic who is also the new kid at school. Richie (Finn Wolfhard); a motormouth who masks his own personal demons with humour and crassness. He's also a face you'll recognise from "Stranger Things" (and he really proves his mettle with a quite radically different and equally iconic character). Stan (Wyatt Olef); a quiet, smart Jewish kid who manages to get a good few quips in when Richie takes a breath. His father is the local Rabbi and he feels under pressure to make him proud. Mike (Chosen Jacobs); a home-schooled kid raised by his grandfather after his parents met a grissly end. He doesn't want to be an outsider, but equally he isn't sure if he wants to join the others when he knows what he's let himself in for. And, Eddie (Jack Dylan Grazer); a hypochondriac fuelled by his mother's blatant Munchhausen's by-proxy.

Keeping the Losers Club terrified even before Pennywise awakens, we have the local gang of bullies, led by Henry Bowers (Nicholas Hamilton), son of a local cop who constantly belittles him, Henry feels like he has to terrorise others to make himself feel more like a man.

While Skarsgård's Pennywise does a fair bit more chatting that Tim Curry's did, the film benefits from taking more from the book and enjoys some truly disturbing images. The scares are frequent, quick paced and effective and the plot moves along smoothly.

All in all, it was my most satisfying cinema trip in some time!

[Image: Warner Bros. Pictures, et al]

Hani

Death Note

"Death Note" (2017, Adam Wingard, LP Entertainment, Vertigo Entertainment, Lin Pictures, Netflix) is an American horror film based on the Japanese Manga by Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.

Light Turner (Nat Wolff) is a high school student. He's not popular, he's not athletic and he makes cash on the side through doing others' homework. When Light comes across a mysterious notebook and meets the sinister Ryuk (Willem Dafoe), a demonic death god, his life begins to change. Quickly unlocking the secrets of the notebook's power: to kill any individual properly targeted using the book, Light finds a kindred spirit in his crush, Mia (Margaret Qualley), and also attracts the unwanted attention of L (Lakeith Stanfield) , an FBI agent seeking to halt their murderous spree.

Although Light's original intentions may have been good, things become complicated and messy as time progresses and he becomes suspicious that Ryuk may not be on his side after all. The overall taking from this film is the old adage: 'power corrupts'.

The film offers some good qualities: Dafoe's performance as the creepy and charming Ryuk is very effective, and the aesthetics of the film are nicely put together. However, the film attempts to pack so much in to the run time that it feels slightly unfinished and focuses perhaps too much attention on the puppy-love aspect of the sub-plot as opposed to mysteries of the notebook or of Ryuk. The ending is also convoluted and felt unhinged from the rest of the film.

I've learned that as well as removing the story from Japan to suit a more Western audience, the film has made other changes to the plot and characters as to make this version very different from the base material. I am not much of a Manga reader, but I feel intrigued now to search "Death Note" out and give it a whirl, if anything to understand the base material more and perhaps seek a better appreciation for this interesting story.

[Image: Netflix]

Hani

The Mummy (2017)

"The Mummy" (2017,  Alex Kurtzman, Universal Pictures, Perfect World Pictures, K/O Paper Products, Sean Daniel Company) is the modern take on the infamous Egyptian-themed monster movie.

"The Mummy" 2017 is also what happens when mainstream Hollywood does "horror". Even with the historical links of Universal Pictures and horror, this movie fails to deliver either a fun, campy monster movie or any kind of scares. It sits in a chasm, lost in its confusing plot and satisfies neither the horror aficionado nor the intrigued, average cinema goer.

Nick (Tom Cruise) is a soldier serving in Iraq. He and his pal, Chris (Jake Johnson), happen across a buried Egyptian tomb. With the help of archaeologist, Jenny Halsey (Annabelle Wallis) and their other army friends, they accidentally set free the vengeful mummified corpse of Princess Ahmanet (Sofia Boutella). Nick finds himself cursed by the Princess who is determined to reclaim her throne under the blessing of the God Set (Javier Botet). Oh, and for some reason Russell Crowe is Dr. Henry Jekyll because... reasons.

The movie's aesthetics are great. Boutella's mummy is beautiful and ambitious. The effects on her eyes are particularly cool and she gives a good performance. Unfortunately, the character is neither scary nor gross so her antagonist loses some effect.

Tom Cruise's character is pretty generic but I enjoyed his overall performance as a roguish asshole. However, the ridiculous plot robs Nick of any relatability and things quickly dissolve into action flick madness with little substance.

For me the best character was probably Chris who plays a small homage, in part, to Jack from "An American Werewolf in London" and gets in most of the best lines in the film.

All in all there was just so much going on which gave the film an overall feeling of being directionless. The inclusion of other franchise's characters *cough* Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde seem tacked on and pointless and the film lacked the gruesome qualities of the Brendan Fraser era Mummy films or the classic eeriness of the Boris Karloff Universal movies. The plot seemed stuck in a limbo where we weren't sure what kind of movie this was trying to be.

All in all too much of a weak mish-mash to consider a successful remake. But some of it was pretty to look at.

[Image: Universal Pictures, et al]

Hani

The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let's Do the Time Warp Again

"The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let's Do the Time Warp Again" (2016, Kenny Ortega, Fox 21 Television Studios, Ode Sound & Visuals, The Jackal Group) is the tribute to Richard O'Brien's 1975 cult masterpiece homage to sci-fi cinema, The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

The bulk of the movie is a scene for scene remake of the original but there's additional wrap-around scenes involving a cinema full of Rocky Horror movie-goers and we get some screen time from The Usherette (Ivy Levan) who was present only in the stage production of the original and not present in the 1975 film. She's a good addition, looking pretty awesome in her kick ass outfit, and keeping the rabble of cinema goers in check... Kind of. The wrap-around plot also brings in some of the traditional audience participation aspects which surround live viewings and stage productions of the cult classic.

We follow Brad Majors (Ryan McCartan) and his new fiancé, Janet Weiss (Victoria Justice), on a road trip which leads them to the castle of Dr. Frank-N-Furter (Laverne Cox) when their car breaks down. Upon admission to the castle by the handyman, Riff Raff (Reeve Carney), they discover that the inhabitants of this home are not normal. From Magenta the maid (Christina Milian) to Columbia the groupie (Annaleigh Ashford), everyone is a touch insane and Frank is not keen to let the couple leave. But when they do leave, will they ever feel the same?

As well as the audience wrap-around, which I appreciated, the film does have some good points. Victoria Justice's rendition of Janet is very close to Susan Sarandon's original film version. Her singing style is absolutely pitch perfect. Reeve Carney's rendition of Riff Raff is also very similar to Richard O'Brien's vision - except for that wig! Adam Lambert also does a really good job of playing Eddie, and although his part is short, it was a good few scenes. Ben Vereen also updates the character of Dr. Everett von Scott.

Our title character, Rocky (Staz Nair), looks amazing in his little gold boxers, and Laverne Cox gives an excellent portrayal of Frank-N-Furter with a sexual flare that is both very different to Tim Curry's iconic rendition and also similar in its power. My only main bicker with this character is that I feel that not having stockings and suspenders on kind of takes away from Frank's style.

Having Tim Curry himself play the narrator was also very moving.

Now to the flaws; Mr. Director, Ortega, is from High School Musical fame and you can tell. This feels like a shiny penny of a production and it kind of robs some of the soul away that the original and the stage productions enjoy. It's overly produced and the costumes look like costumes, not what the characters happen to be wearing. Magenta's outfit in particular looked way too pristine. However, I liked her hair!

Having all the songs the same is, of course, a must for Rocky. It's all about the music! But I feel like updating the story to modern day might have been a good twist making this remake seem a little more worthwhile.

All in all, it's not a terrible movie, but it feels like a shiny TV homage more than an update of the classic. I doubt there will be many die hard fans of this version in years to come and it might slink into obscurity.

[Image: Fox Television Studios, et al]

Hani

 

Poltergeist (2015)

"Poltergeist" (2015, Gil Kenan, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Ghost House Productions, Vertigo Entertainment) is the remake of the Tobe Hooper 1982 classic of the same name. It was produced by Sam Raimi, whom I have utmost respect for, but I'm afraid I still am not a fan of this film.

Firstly, the film did not need to be made. The original film is still a great scare-fest to this day and stands up well when compared to its modern day contemporaries. This redo is essentially a vanity project for its makers and nothing more.

Secondly, the film isn't really sure what it is. Is it a retelling of the story? Is it a modernisation of the story? Is it a kind of sequel? Is it an abrupt collection of all the best bits from the original quickly drafter together with more modern effects and rammed into a rather dull, predictable and essentially soulless redo of these scenes? Personally, I think the last one there hits the nail on the head.

The plot is altered, which I have no problem with except that it adds a few holes into the hows and whys of the haunting. My main issue, however, is that the film just seemed to be jumping from famous, iconic scene to famous, iconic scene without so much as a plot or a character development. And as adorable as little Madison (Kennedi Clements) is and as convincing as she is in her role, the delivery of the best line of the film "They're here" just doesn't quite pack the oomph of the original. By far the best acting comes from little Griffin (Kyle Catlett) who manages to keep the plot going.

I did like the Carrigan Burke character (Jared Harris) who replaces the Tangina character from the original. I admit I had my misgivings about changing the medium character so much, but he brought a much needed sense of banter to the cast.

Also, some of the new effects are indeed fantastic. The television scene is really quite chilling and the glimpse into the other side was really well realised. However, remaking a whole film just to show off your updated effects seems a bit tired to me. Give us something new!

All in all, if you haven't seen the original you may enjoy this film. But to me it was just an unnecessary rehash with more jump scares added and a much less frightening clown doll scene.

[Image: Ghost House Productions, et al]

Hani

Apartment 1303

"Apartment 1303" (2012, Michael Taverna) is the American/Canadian remake of the 2007 Japanese film based on the novel by Kei Ôishi.

Janet (Julianne Michelle) moves out into a new apartment of her own after a fall out with her aging-popstar alcoholic mother (Rebecca De Mornay), leaving her elder sister, Lara (Mischa Barton), to deal with her alone.

It isn't long after she's unpacked her stuff that she begins to freak out in the apparently empty flat, but it slowly becomes more obvious that there is something seriously wrong in the place. Her neighbours and superintendant aren't much help, as they are as creepy as the apartment itself, and her new boyfriend, Mark (Corey Sevier), is too busy to spend the night.

A few days into her lease Janet falls to her death from the balcony.

Lara moves in after the funeral to work out why her sister would do such a thing. But she soons begin to find out there is something sinister going on in 1303, and she may have put herself right in the middle of it!

Typical to other Western remakes of J-Horror, there's something lost in the translation. The creepy scenes feel like a lengthy episode of Supernatural but without the scares, wit or budget... The talking scenes feel hollow and forced and the mother is the most lively character, but her sole purpose is to be the driving force for the girls to want to move out.

I'm not sure why Lara would move into the apartment after her sister committed suicide in it and I'm not sure why she would consider staying after all the spooky crap goes on.... Honestly, the whole thing could have been easily avoided if Lara had just took her sister's belongings and got out of there! Or if Janet had been a bit wiser in choosing apartments in the first place.

Not a great film.

[Image: Gravitas Ventures]



Hani

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark

"Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" (2010, Troy Nixey, Guillermo del Toro, Miramax Films, Gran via Tequila Gang, FilmDistrict, StudioCanal UK) is a remake of the 1973 made-for-TV film of the same name.

The troubled young daughter (Bailee Madison) of an architect (Guy Pearce) who is refurbishing an old mansion to its former glory with his new wife (Katie Holmes), discovers Fey creatures are trapped within the house behind an iron grate and decides to set them free, believing them to be friendly. However, they soon turn out to be vicious and devious creatures which are hungry for children's teeth and must also take a mortal back to their netherworld to replenish their ranks.

A creepy retelling of the Tooth Fairy myth, this film was excellently jumpy in the cinema, but loses something a little on the small screen.

However, the animation of the 'fairies' is brilliant and little Bailee Madison gives a perfect performance as young Sally.

Not a film that will scare many adults, but would have many young viewers scared to hang an arm over the side of the bed, I imagine.

Creepy in a traditional way, with beautiful settings and effective attack scenes (and a little gore), I thoroughly enjoyed this film as a fun and creepy fairy story.

[Image: Miramax Films]

Hani

Night of the Living Dead (2006)

"Night of the Living Dead" aka "Night of the Living Dead 3D" (2006, Lux Digital Pictures, Jeff Broadstreet) is a remake of the George A. Romero classic (I say 'a' as there is more than one). Oh, and it's '3D'... which should tell you all you need to know, really...

Pretty terrible. Except for Sid Haig giving his usual kind, calm & considerately evil psycho performance as Gerald Tovar Jr.

A little too much of the crappy, low budget, cartoon-like 3D effects spoil a perfectly generic low budget snorefest. (this is the highest praise I can bestow, I'm afraid)

They do go quite a ways to explain the events leading up to the zombie outbreak, which the original never completely endeavoured to do, and Barbara's backstory is much more filled out than the original, also.

As well as hokey effects, the film does suffer from a couple of other things, dull plot and too much inclusion of the original film throughout, which is a far superior effort. Surely if the characters had all just watched it, they'd know what was going on?

Boring dialogue and too much stilted cheesiness that just seemed like it was trying too hard, I am afraid I'm not a fan of this film.

I do have to hand it to them they went quite out of their way in setting the scene so that mobile phones and landlines weren't available to call for police assistance, though.

The only good thing about this film is Sid Haig and the legless zombie in the garden.

[Image: Lux Digital Pictures]

 

Hani

 

Evil Dead (2013)

"Evil Dead" (2013, Fede Alvarez, Rodo Sayagues, Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell, FilmDistrict, Ghost House Pictures, TriStar Entertainment) is the remake/reboot/sequel of the classic 1981 Raimi film.

Finally, I got around to seeing this!

Well, what can I say, as much as I missed Ash greatly, (Evil Dead without Bruce's fabulous on-screen presence is just never going to cut it for me) I have to give credit where credit is due, this film is brutal. Gory doesn't even begin to describe this film.

While gory, though, I wouldn't say it terrified me more than it had me awestruck at the sheer brutality of the special effects. It is safe to say that this film is disgusting, but in that special way that gorehounds love. It's well made, the special effects are brilliant and, while the characters all seem to exhibit some form of the original Ash character in one way or another, they hold pretty well for a splatter film and the actors and actresses' performances are excellent.

Changing the plot slightly to a bunch of friends (and a brother) trying to save their friend/sister from her lethal drug addiction, saved this film a lot. Had they tried to rehash the whole original Evil Dead plot I would have been sorely disappointed. But I rather enjoyed this new plot with its several well-placed nods and homages to the original films. Instead of recreating the first or second films they altered just enough to make this version a film in its own right.

I would also have to commend this film on its sheer energy, which is also reminiscent of the original two films. Truly an unrelenting torrent of blood and insanity, it barely gives the audience breathing space to recover from each scene without losing any of that agitating, squirmy appeal.

While it will never replace the original film for me, and certainly with the straight-faced quality of the storytelling it will never become one of my must-watch-several-times-a-year films, "Evil Dead" really brings everything it promised to the table: gallons of gore, creepy demonically possessed twenty-somethings, a suitably nostalgic cabin, tree rape and a lot of nice jumpy bits. Definitely something to see, even if you're not a gorehound.

[Image: Ghost House Pictures & TriStar Entertainment]

Hani

Mortuary (2005)

"Mortuary" (2005, Tobe Hooper, Echo Bridge Entertainment) is the remake of/sequel to 1985's film of the same name.

A family move to an old, dilapidated small-town funeral home with plans to start a new life there. But the mortuary, as well as being gross and creepy, has a dark past and something sinister is still dwelling in the graveyard!

With the exception of some good acting from little Stephanie Patton, this film just didn't strike a chord with me. I found it a bit dull, and the action a bit uninventive.

I was expecting more from Hooper, really.

It's like a mash-up of the Exorcist, the Goonies, a zombie flick and a slasher film. That actually sounds really good, but it just didn't work in practice.

Not a film I'd be likely to watch again, but I have to admit to cracking a smile now and again, especially at some of the blood spewing scenes.

Image: Echo Bridge Entertainment

Hani

Friday The 13th (2009)

"Friday The 13th" (2009, Marcus Nispel, Michael Bay, Paramount Pictures, New Line Cinema, Platinum Dunes) is the remake of the first four original "Friday the 13th" films, pretty much, all mashed into one.

Well, what can I say other than, as usual, Michael Bay's stamp has once again brought mostly disappointment to a classic reboot which had so much potential. Although, it's not really his fault. He didn't direct it. It's the man behind 2003's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake, Marcus Nispel, who did all of that.

I'm just venting here. The main problems with this film is the sheer uncreative pitfalls which it falls into.

I love films which involve teens, cabins, woods, mishaps and murder. But, I also like a little bit of something different in there, too. "F13 Reboot" only goes through the motions and ups the sex and gore. The kills aren't tense or scary, and the characters are too same-y and obnoxious. I refuse to believe that all floppy haired boys in America are complete douche-bags!

The kills feel like they are just checking off the list and often I found myself sighing audibly and just waiting for the scene to end. I'm usually the relishing type. 

Jason is excellently played by Derek Mears, a mountain of a man, who gives us a faster-moving, thinking Jason Vorhees, still with menacing demeanour. The main fault in the Jason character is his severe lack of good lurking. Sure, he's lurking but he's too obvious, and where's the creepy 'from Jason's perspective' bits?

The film starts at the end of the original film, but also covers two separate groups of teens.The characters are disposable as hell, which is handy as they get disposed of as fast as hell!

The grounding point of the original F13 films is that Jason died because camp counsellors were drinking and having sex, instead of looking after him. And so, there's plenty of boobs and there's more sex scenes than horror... And who doesn't like a bit of beer pong and (slightly safer than real life) danger can?

The gore is good, even if the kill scenes themselves are just boring, long and nothing to write home about. But there's too much going on and just generally the film feels like an empty, oversexed gore-fest without any real comedic breaks (even if they do try hard to create this in three characters).

Of course, I can't really fault the acting, which, for an F13 film is excellent. Mainly because the actors playing the 2 Dimensional slasher fodder this time are actually known. Oh, and naturally, I do love Jared Padalecki, who makes this film flow a lot better than it would have otherwise as he searches for his missing sister (from the set of teens who were camping).

Now, I'm not saying it's anything worse than some of the other "F13"s out there, because, like all horror franchises, they jumped the shark so high they ended up in space... Quite literally, see 'Jason X'. 

Plus, we get to have the hockey mask!

But it's nothing new, and apart from being a vehicle for some young actors, a string to the director's bow and a fab creative project for the special effects guys, this film holds nothing I care about and probably doesn't even appeal to the teens of today, who should, in my view, really be made to watch the originals anyway! Give me a grainy, dirty, low budget slasher flick over this film any day.

First they beheaded his mother, now they're stealing his wild-growing weed!

Hani

Sorority Row (2009)

"Sorority Row" (2009, Stewart Hendler, E1 Entertainment, Summit Entertainment) is the misguided remake of the 1983 teen slasher, "The House on Sorority Row" (Mark Rosman).

The 2009 version follows the plot of the original in some ways:

• Graduating sorority girls (I always thought it was spelled 'sorrority'! But, there you go!)
• Girls want a party
• House mother says no
• Prank goes wrong
• Oops someone's dead!
• Can't spoil the party!!!
• I know, we'll hide the body!
• Oh crap, someone (or something) is taking it's revenge on us!
• Aaaah!
• Brutal death scenes...

Other than that, rip it up. This film is just an excuse to get a bunch of bitchy, scantily clad beauties to cavhort around and make smart ass remarks. Oh, and there's some drugs and some sleeping with older men, too. I'm not saying the '83 version is the best film ever, far from it, but it was a classier production.... And it was the low-budget teen trash horror of its day!

In this version, the girls accidentally kill someone (different 'someone' to the original, which I liked actually as I wasn't expecting that!) and hide the body. And the whole thing is started by one of the girls finding out that their boyfriend has been cheating on her. Also, the new weapon is a pimped-out tyre arm, not a pimped-out walking stick...

Unlike the original, not much effort is put into making the killer very creepy... And other than the effective use of modern special effects and gore, the film generally falls a bit flat and sticks mainly in the realms already well trodden by much more worthy pieces, e.g. "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and also, of course, The Scream flicks...

With an obvious and badly revealed twist, or two... the film doesn't give me the creeps, more like the sleeps.

Poor Carrie Fisher (my dad's ideal pin-up girl back in the 70s & 80s, and he's not even a 'Star Wars' fan!), played the only likeable character in the whole film! Which is unsurprising, considering her excellent career... how she ended up this misadventure is a complete guess!

Probably a hit with the younger horror audience of say, young teens, this film is best avoided unless you're:
a) a dude looking for some pretty girls to oogle or
b) you're a teenager looking for some gorey, slasher fun and don't have a copy of "Halloween", "Friday the 13th" or "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" handy...

Not a hit with me, I'm afraid.

[Picture: E1 Entertainment, Summit Entertainment]

 

Hani

My Bloody Valentine (2009)

"My Bloody Valentine" (2009, Lionsgate Films, Patrick Lussier) is the remake of the 1981 slasher. It was made for 3D and very obviously so.

The film's about a town which has seen a tragic accident in one of its mines. Six men were caved in, but only one survived, Harry Warden (Richard John Walters), who was found in a coma after slaughtering all of his miner friends... He reawakened on Valentine's Day and slaughtered lots of people (while wearing his crazy miner-number-niner outfit) before being killed himself. Now, some years on, a killer also dressed as a miner appears to be on the loose. Is Harry back from the dead and on the rampage?

We follow the lives of Axl Palmer (Kerr Smith) and Tom Hanniger (Jensen Ackles) who is the son of the shamed and blamed mine owner. The young men and their girlfriends are having a booze up in the old abandoned mine when Warden shows up during his rampage.

We then jump forward in time a few years so that Tom is now the mine owner, Axl is now the sheriff, and Warden's dead, right? So no more killer. Nope, there's definitely a killer.

The plot is pretty basic, but I find that's the best thing for slasher flicks.

The action is fast and gross, very reminiscent of both the original film and also some of the works of Sam Raimi. There's a lot of blood sprays and flying body parts. Pickaxes and shovels find themselves stuck imaginatively into bodies. Almost every possible thing comes at you from the screen to make the most of the whole 3D thing. It's a bit forced, though, I feel. But sometimes used to good effect.

All in all, it's pretty uninventive, but slashers generally are. It's part of their nature. Also, Jensen Ackles is in it (being type cast again! But also, oh so handsome).

The characters aren't developed, the patter's not exactly clever and the twist isn't that well hidden. It's definitely not a ground breaking game changer of a movie, but for some gross-out, cheesy, blood-soaked fun, it's a good watch. Plus, did I mention Jensen Ackles is in it?

[Picture: Lionsgate Films]

Someone should tell grandpa that that's not how you 'pick' your teeth. Get it? Ok, I'll get my coat...

Hani