Angelica

 "Angelica" (2015, Mitchell Lichtenstein, Pierpoline Films) is a ghost story set in Victorian England, and loosely based on a novel of the same name by Arthur Phillips.

Mitchell Lichtenstein, the man also behind 2007's "Teeth", brings us a ghost story centred, of course, around the lady bits of a young Victorian woman called Constance (Jena Malone). 

Constance marries surgeon Joseph Barton (Ed Stoppard) and soon falls pregnant with their child, Angelica. However, after a traumatic birth, the Bartons are warned to halt all future sexual intercourse; something that both Constance and Joseph find difficult to adhere to. Constance also suffers from severe postpartum depression and finds she cannot separate herself from Angelica for any length of time, to the extent that it further damages her marriage. 

When Constance begins to tell of a sexually explicit apparition of a man haunting the room of Angelica, Joseph dismisses this as further strange 'womanly' behaviour, leading Constance to seek the help of their servant, Nora (Tovah Feldschuh) and her occultist friend and con-artist, Anne Montague (Janet McTeer).

A film that attempts to straddle the line of elegant Victorian stuffiness and perversity, but is subject to a heavy-handedness that leans further towards the latter. Without the strong lead from Malone, who manages to maintain an air of decorum despite the plot's many indignities, it would be a somewhat difficult watch. Many of the scenes head more towards incidental humour and the film lacks the more horror elements that would usually be associated with a Victorian ghost tale.

[Image: Pierpoline Films]

Hani

Girl on the Third Floor

*Spoiler warning*

"Girl on the Third Floor" (2019, Travis Stevens, Queensbury Pictures) is a haunted house story.

Don (CM Punk) is attempting to renovate an old and dilapidated house for he, his wife, Liz (Trieste Kelly Dunn), and their impending new arrival. As Liz ties up their affairs in the city, Don takes their dog and moves in to the house with his tools and an endless supply of beer. But things in the house aren't quite... right. Strange substances and sweets keep appearing, Don constantly feels like he's being watched and a very flirty stranger called Sarah (Sarah Brooks) won't stay away. He's also receiving strange vibes from the local pastor, Sadie (Elissa Dowling) and seems to be extremely unpopular at the local watering hole/bowling alley.

When he's joined by his friend, Milo (Travis Delgado), things change up a gear and it becomes apparent that the house, or something within it, wants them all out. Or worse...

I'd heard good things about this film and went in open minded and keen for a good spookfest. I'd first say that the set up is overly long. The scenes are well shot, but there are a lot of scenes of Don doing various DIY-ing without anything spooky happening so when the spooky stuff comes along it felt a little long winded. On the other hand, we get a good feel for the kind of character Don is and his less than savoury past and nature. There are also several well done shots where the various old mirrors around the house reveal some creepy happenings which I found to be very effective.

Whenever I see a dog in a movie I know it's not going to be around for long, and spoiler or not, poor old puppy does not last the duration.

The reveal and finale were fun but felt like a completely different film to the first half and didn't meld particularly well. Overall, I enjoyed myself but the film is very slow burning and took its time getting any actual plot started.

[Image: Queensbury Pictures]

Hani

The Black Room

"The Black Room" (2017, Rolfe Kanefsky, Cleopatra Entertainment) is about demonic possession.

We're introduced to Miss Black (Lin Shaye) and her niece, Stacy (Dominique Swain) who meet their demise in their home thanks to some pervy invisible demons. Later, the house is purchased by a couple, Paul (Luka Hassel) and Jennifer (Natasha Henstridge), who seem happy despite learning about the house having a 'dark past'. Their marriage is put through the wringer, however, when they discover that all their repairmen and Jennifer's gothy sister Karen (Augie Duke) are being picked off and that Paul has become possessed (you can tell by the guyliner and a change in accent) by the horny demonic entity dwelling in their basement.

Sounding more fun than it is, the film misses the mark for me by being overly trashy past the point of funny and essentially culminating the worst of the B-movie catalogue into a 'shock' fest of nudity that loses its shock factor after the first scene.

We are treated to some excellent scoring by Savant that is reminiscent of Charles Bernstein's classic theme for "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and some cheap but psychedelic opening credits, but overall the film felt less like a nod to the trashtastic horrors of the past and more like a bad joke at the audience's expense.

Lin Shaye's character's job seems to be limited to speaking sternly to demons while being overall ineffectual and our other main characters are generally unlikeable.

While some of the kill scenes are entertaining, the film's odd atmosphere was distracting and it felt kind of shallow. Better B-movies, and probably pornos,  have done this stuff before already, and with more success.

With nipple twisting, wandering giant red hands, killer demonic penises, body fluids galore and a flashback scene that felt like something found on the cutting room floor of The Mighty Boosh, this trashy film felt a bit lacklustre and left me feeling more grimy than entertained.

It did leave me wondering, however, if it would still be classed as cheating if you both think you're having relations with your other half but it's actually a pervy invisible demon?

[Image: Cleopatra Entertainment]

Hani 

The Love Witch

"The Love Witch" (2016, Anna Biller, Oscilloscope Laboratories) is an homage to the 60s technicolor era.

Elaine (Samantha Robinson) is a beautiful young witch turned femme fatale, who uses witchcraft in her bid to find a lover. Unfortunately, her charms and potions never quite strike the balance leaving a trail of lovesick corpses in her wake...

A beautifully crafted film that merges the style, fashions and feel of the 60s era films with a more modern setting. The film also enjoys the randomness of 60s horror with a ridiculous plot and set of characters. The colour palette is very pleasing to the eye. Stylistically this film is outstanding.

Elaine is used as a metaphor for womanhood and man's fear of the powerful woman, but conversely, Elaine is also a weak character; completely narcissistic, self involved and obsessed with finding someone to fawn over her. Her sudden disinterest in any man she wins over and her ongoing thirst for more affection  drives her to enchant and enslave more and more men. But it's a thirst that may never be sated...

Although the plot veers a little too into the obscure style of technicolor/pulp era with a large diversion to a medieval fayre and with a run-time of 120 minutes the shlockiness and purposefully stilted acting do begin to outstay their welcome. However, the style and humour make up for any short comings, and the film overall creates a very memorable impact.

Definitely something different to try this Valentine's Day.

[Image: Oscilloscope Laboratories]

Hani 

Nurse 3D

"Nurse 3D" (2013, Doug Aarnioski, Lionsgate) is a sexploitation 3D film about a psychotic nurse who likes to murder cheating men.

Abby Russell (Paz de la Huerta) is nurse of the month at the hospital she works in. She's also a murderer who specialises in killing cheating men using her medical knowledge and access to surgical equipment and drugs.

She takes a young trainee nurse, Danni (Katrina Bowden) 'under her wing' in the weirdest way and becomes obsessed with her. She then finds out that Danni's stepdad is cheating on her mother, and takes it upon herself to brutally murder him. When this, shockingly, doesn't win Danni over she then begins framing Danni as a paranoid reactionary by baiting her and denying it to the cops and doctors. But as Danni digs deeper, she begins to find out more about Abby's dark past.

The film is really bloody and enjoys a few good kills, despite having a low budget. It also makes the most of its sexploitation genre with Paz casually lounging about in her apartment knickerless and running about essentially nude whilst gore soaked.

The acting, however, is distractingly bad. I haven't seen many of Paz's other films, but her slow, pouty way of talking in this film, whether intentional character mannerisms or not, got dull after a while.

After reading the synopsis I was looking forward to a batshit crazy, gore soaked roller coaster, but I found myself getting a little bored. Either way, it's a film about a murderous nurse with impressive assets, splashing gore all over the place and wearing very little. If that's what you're going in for, you are getting your tuppence worth, if I'm honest.

[Image: Lionsgate]

Hani

It Follows

"It Follows" (2015, David Robert Mitchell, Animal Kingdom, Northern Lights Films, Two Flints) is a smart horror that teaches us a lesson about having sex with people we barely know...

We open with a pretty brutal scene and it is just perfect and really grabs viewer attention.

The hue of the film and the way that scenes are lit is very 70s and early 80s horror retro, the styling and camera work are captivating and the score is an awesome concoction of Halloween-style nostalgia mixed with suspense. Stylistically this film is really attention grabbing and I enjoyed watching it, not due to plot, but for the experience. It was like finding an old film reel in your attic and watching it alone.

The plot is pretty simple. Jay (Maika Monroe) is a college student in Michigan. She enjoys paddling in her outdoor pool and hanging out with her sister and her friends. She's seeing a new guy called Hugh and she doesn't know much, if anything, about him. Jay, of course, doesn't care about that and the two wind up going at it like bunnies in his car on a very strange date.

As it happens, 'Hugh', has actually just given Jay a spooky sexually transmitted disease and now the creepy thing that always follows him is now following her. It's slow moving, can look like anyone and it just wants to kill her. And, in an almost Ring like fashion, the only way to get rid of it is to pass it on to someone else... via sexy, naked fun.

The film is well made and spooky as hell. While there is some quality gore now and again, the main fear comes from the haunting itself, and the feeling of dread is perfectly captured and built upon through the 'demon' as it unhaltingly stalks its prey. It's also a nod to the old horror trope: have sex, get dead.

My only flaw with this film is that the last act takes a while to come to a head. I suppose that this is done purposefully, but I did feel like a lot of running in circles was going on.

But, I have to take my hat off for this film, it is truly a work of horror art and has certainly made its mark in the genre!

[Image: Animal Kingdom, et al]

Hani

Girl House

"Girl House" (2015, Trevor Matthews) is a slasher set in a place that can only be described as the "Playboy Mansion" meets the "Big Brother House".

We are first introduced to a heavy boy being taunted by young girls (one of whom you may recognise as little cat woman in "Gotham"). The girls unfairly tease the boy and call him 'Loverboy' over and over. They eventually push him too far and he exacts some pretty graphic revenge.

Jump to present day and Kylie is a college student in need of money. She decides to enrol as a new sexpot starlet for reality porn website which is filled with 24 hour cameras and hot babes going about everyday life... and then some. And, wouldn't you know it, she gets the job.

Kylie is given the tour and is introduced to her new housemates who, of course, range from bitchy, to lesbian, to busty, to kick ass, to nice. Kylie's given her room and her laptop and left to it. She soon proves she has the stuff "Ugly Coyote"-style by dancing in her pants for all the drooling viewers. That makes her an official girl now, so that's that out of the way.

Soon we are reintroduced to, now fully grown and still trodden-upon, Loverboy (rapper Slain); a frequenter and regular of the porn site. All the girls know his name and, because they cannot judge him on his looks because it is a one way camera set up, they think of him affectionately as a simple sweetie and nothing to be scared of. Unfortunately, being too nice to this guy can cause issues and Kylie manages to go too far. Even more unfortunate is the fact that Loverboy is pretty good with the ol' IT skills and, donning standard slasher attire, he finds the house and turns this film from a weird softporn film into a weird softporn gorefest.

I went in knowing practically nothing about this film. The opening credits are very...well, smutty, really, but I decided not to let me get put off. About half way through I was caught between actually being curious about this plot and also wondering when the horror was going to start, but believe me, there's a lot of gore payoff after the first half.

Actually this film is quite effective. Yes it's full of tropes and, yes it is pretty much a slasher in a house full of honeys in sexy undies, but actually some of the gore is quite creative and the acting is really good, if sometimes a bit cheesy. As well as the sexy ladies and our "Heffner"-like character, we also have love interest, Ben, and his nerdy college roommate, Alex; who proves to be a very good comedic foil.

The plot is not ground breaking, but it's quite fun. I'd hasten to add this is obviously not everyone's cup of tea; it is set in a porn-mansion. But, I was pleasantly surprised to find out this film was not a train wreck and was oddly a funny, naughty, blood-soaked cheese-fest.

Hani

Bloody Cuts : Prey

"Prey" (Jonny Franklin, Ben Franklin, Ben Kent, Joel Morgan, www.bloodycuts.co.uk) is the third episode of the Anthology online series, Bloody Cuts.

A sexual predator (the rather dashing Fergal Philips pictured below) receives his comeuppance when he rufies the wrong girl's drink in a bar.

It's really a classic monster (short-)movie with a boogie under the bed deal, but with a set up that could be seen as more scary than the monster itself. Nicely put together with some good effects and some very good creepiness in the bedroom before the gore sets in to steal the show.

[Image: www.bloodycuts.co.uk]

Hani

Friday The 13th (2009)

"Friday The 13th" (2009, Marcus Nispel, Michael Bay, Paramount Pictures, New Line Cinema, Platinum Dunes) is the remake of the first four original "Friday the 13th" films, pretty much, all mashed into one.

Well, what can I say other than, as usual, Michael Bay's stamp has once again brought mostly disappointment to a classic reboot which had so much potential. Although, it's not really his fault. He didn't direct it. It's the man behind 2003's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake, Marcus Nispel, who did all of that.

I'm just venting here. The main problems with this film is the sheer uncreative pitfalls which it falls into.

I love films which involve teens, cabins, woods, mishaps and murder. But, I also like a little bit of something different in there, too. "F13 Reboot" only goes through the motions and ups the sex and gore. The kills aren't tense or scary, and the characters are too same-y and obnoxious. I refuse to believe that all floppy haired boys in America are complete douche-bags!

The kills feel like they are just checking off the list and often I found myself sighing audibly and just waiting for the scene to end. I'm usually the relishing type. 

Jason is excellently played by Derek Mears, a mountain of a man, who gives us a faster-moving, thinking Jason Vorhees, still with menacing demeanour. The main fault in the Jason character is his severe lack of good lurking. Sure, he's lurking but he's too obvious, and where's the creepy 'from Jason's perspective' bits?

The film starts at the end of the original film, but also covers two separate groups of teens.The characters are disposable as hell, which is handy as they get disposed of as fast as hell!

The grounding point of the original F13 films is that Jason died because camp counsellors were drinking and having sex, instead of looking after him. And so, there's plenty of boobs and there's more sex scenes than horror... And who doesn't like a bit of beer pong and (slightly safer than real life) danger can?

The gore is good, even if the kill scenes themselves are just boring, long and nothing to write home about. But there's too much going on and just generally the film feels like an empty, oversexed gore-fest without any real comedic breaks (even if they do try hard to create this in three characters).

Of course, I can't really fault the acting, which, for an F13 film is excellent. Mainly because the actors playing the 2 Dimensional slasher fodder this time are actually known. Oh, and naturally, I do love Jared Padalecki, who makes this film flow a lot better than it would have otherwise as he searches for his missing sister (from the set of teens who were camping).

Now, I'm not saying it's anything worse than some of the other "F13"s out there, because, like all horror franchises, they jumped the shark so high they ended up in space... Quite literally, see 'Jason X'. 

Plus, we get to have the hockey mask!

But it's nothing new, and apart from being a vehicle for some young actors, a string to the director's bow and a fab creative project for the special effects guys, this film holds nothing I care about and probably doesn't even appeal to the teens of today, who should, in my view, really be made to watch the originals anyway! Give me a grainy, dirty, low budget slasher flick over this film any day.

First they beheaded his mother, now they're stealing his wild-growing weed!

Hani