Bring Me The Head of Machine Gun Woman

"Bring Me The Head of Machine Gun Woman" (2012, Ernesto Diaz Espinoza, LatinXploitation, Ronnoc Entertainment) is a Grindhouse-esque Spanish language movie about an Argentinian gangster who is trying to kill the sexy, half-naked, female mercenary (Fernanda Urrejola) who wants his head. When a young video game loving DJ named Santiago (Matías Oviedo) accidentally overhears a private converstation, the gangster forces the boy to go after the Machine Gun Woman.

Paying homage to the Grindhouse 'classics' and with some nicely tinted camera work, I found "..Machine Gun Woman" to be everything I wanted it to be; bloody, violent, filled with fight scenes and dodgy gangster types, with a semi-naked gun toting chick and a shed load of rapidly worded Spanish conversations.

It's based on a Grand Theft Auto-type game, and as our young hero attempts to go through each stage of his mission, we get a nice loading screen telling us whether he's completed the level or not. Although, admittedly this does lose its charm after a while.

It's not clever and it knows it, and it's certainly not everyone's cup of Pisco. But it's exactly as it's marketed to be and no more. Definitely a must see for Grindhouse aficionados.

Detention of the Dead

"Detention of the Dead" (2012, Alex Craig Mann, Gala Films) is a high school comedy zombie movie.

The term 'comedy' is used loosely, in that this shallow attempt at yet another zombie comedy falls pretty much on its face.

It's detention time at high school and 6 misfit teens are ready to spend it together. We have all the standard teen characters: goth chick, nerd, cheerleader, stoner, popular dude, varsity jacket dude.

Unfortunately for all of these unfortunate teens, the school has become infected by a zombie virus and even more unfortunately, someone in detention also has it. It isn't long until they're haring around the school trying to survive and find a means of escape.

Now, all that doesn't sound too awful, does it? But it's just so uninspired. From the half-assed Buffy references to the fact that the popular teen couple are called Brad and Janet just rung hollow to me. Maybe it was just that out of a day of pretty good horrors this attempt came last and it was 1am and I was out of wine, but I just didn't feel it.

Overdone, under-funny and nothing new, this film will doubtlessly land in the humongous boiling pot with all the other thousands of zombie comedy films out there. My advice? Stick on Shaun of The Dead, Wasting Away or Zombieland and enjoy some creativity.

[Image: Gala Films]

Hani

Byzantium

"Byzantium" (2012, Neil Jordan) is a vampire film with a difference, but also still a very classic feel.

Neil Jordan has brought classical vampirism to us before in the form of "Interview with a Vampire" and he was also behind "High Spirits", a ghost comedy based in Ireland, that I still love.

The film follows a mother and daughter vampire duo who are constantly forced to move home to avoid detection. They are also on the run from the male orientated vampire 'brotherhood', who do not wish for them to live. They find refuge in a seaside town and try to set up life there, but it isn't long before everything begins to unravel.

An artful film, this slow burner focuses well on the difficult situation that eternal teenager, Eleanor (Saoirse Ronan) has to face in school and in her lonely life. This character is interesting and I really thought Ronan's performance was excellent. Also, at the Q&A session afterwards she was very charming and very happy to give her own insight into the character. Eleanor seeks companionship, and wants to tell her story. She is more of an Angel of Death than a killer.

Her 'sister', actually her mother, is also the eternally young and beautiful Clara (Gemma Arterton) who was forced into the life of a whore as a young girl before becoming one of the undead, and seems to have been unable to shake the lifestyle. She provides for her daughter, but is much too stuck in her dark lifestyle to make Eleanor happy.

The film challenges the general modern day lore for vampires; no fangs and daylight is not an issue, but don't worry, it's not Twilight-y, the vampires are actually a little scary. The film hints at females being able to reproduce, whereas vampires are otherwise selected by the Brotherhood and are created at an ancient site inside a stone hut, where houses, what I expect to be the mother of all vampires.

I found the film arty but a little dull, and while it has a lot of charms, it didn't quite do as well as "Let The Right One In" did. Worthwhile watching, but not one I'd probably watch again.

Hani

The Lords of Salem

"The Lords of Salem" (2012, Rob Zombie, Alliance Films, Automatik Entertainment, Haunted Films, IM Global, Blumhouse Productions) is the film I was most excited for at Glasgow Fright Fest 2013.

As a fan of Rob Zombie's music and his films, I was waiting in anticipation for this film and it was one of the first main attractions for going to the festival (not that I wouldn't have gone had it not been showing!).

I'm pleased to say I was not disappointed, and while Lords isn't quite in the same style as "House of 1000 Corpses" or "The Devil's Rejects", it is really enjoyable! I felt it was well put together, and had the feeling of a Hammer Horror (such as "The Devil Rides Out") mixed with a touch of "Rosemary's Baby", there was also some classic 70s horror weirdness in there, especially any scenes with the Beast himself in them.

Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie) is a radio DJ on Salem's local radio station. She co-hosts a show with her sometimes lover, Herman "Whitey" Salvador (Jeff Daniel Phillips) and also Herman Jackson (Ernest Lee Thomas).

One day, Heidi receives a strange record by a band called "The Lords" in a creepy wooden box. After a drunken night in with Whitey, they stick on the record and it behaves strangely, trying to play backwards. When it finally starts playing Heidi begins to feel strange and see odd visions. She kicks Whitey out and heads to bed where she dreams strange dreams.

Regardless, they play the record on the show and it becomes a hit with the listeners. The Lords also announce a gig in Salem and provide free tickets to anyone who wants them. But are The Lords all that they appear? Or is there something more sinister going on? And is the sweet little old landlady and her sisters really all that sweet?

An atmospheric film which is both slow burning and also quite trippy, The Lords of Salem is enjoyable and weird. Good visuals and a fitting soundtrack give the desired effect. Although, it's not for everyone, and is certainly no gore fest.

Several notable scream queens are present in this film including:

• Magenta from Rocky Horror, Patricia Quinn
• Meg Foster (she was in John Carpenter's "They Live")
• Barbara Crampton ("Re-Animator")
• María Conchita Alonso ("Predator 2", "The Running Man")
• Dee Wallace ("E.T.", "The Howling", "The Hills Have Eyes", "Cujo")

 The coven scenes are excellent, if you can handle that much naked old lady, and really hark back to the glory days of witch horror, when Vincent Price was hunting them down and Joan Fontaine was losing her mind to witchcraft!

I actually liked the end which sped up and delved back into the Zombie we know and love and, for me, brought all the craziness to a head.

Good, different, but not gory, this film may be a point of contention amongst fans, but is a bold move by the ever talented Rob Zombie.

[Image: Haunted Films]

Hani

Hellfjord

"Hellfjord" (Tommy Wirkola, Zahid Ali, Stig Frode, Film Camp, 2011) is a Norwegian comedy series from the talented people behind "Dead Snow", which premièred in the UK at Glasgow Film Festival's Fright Fest in 2013.

The series has received such a good response from the screening, that it is rumoured to be coming to the UK soon! 

Funny, clever, rude, surreal, uncomfortable and violent, "Hellfjord" feels like "League of Gentlemen" meets "Hot Fuzz", but is oh so Norwegian and different.

Zahid Ali plays leading man, Salmander, a policeman in Oslo who is being fired by the force for publicly shooting his horse to death in an attempt to 'humanely' put it down. Repeatedly. Before using other means to kill the beast. Now, I'm a horse lover, and an ex-horse owner, and even I thought that scene was funny!

The force cannot fire Salmander straight away and instead send him to a remote, strange little fishing town called Hellfjord to work. There he meets the small and odd community, who's main trade is the fish factory, Hellfish, owned by Bosse Nova (Thomas Hanzon), a Swedish business man with a criminal past.

Salmander works alongside oddball policeman, Kobba (Stig Frode Henriksen), who is one of the most entertaining characters. Fantastically played by Henriksen and also visually comedic. 

Kobba's long suffering mail order bride, Riina (Pihla Viitala) also seems to help out in the policework. I love their eccentric and weird marriage! So funny.

With unwilling help from Kobba and also some very willing help from Johanne (Ingrid Bolsø Berdal), the local and only journalist on the island, Salmander attempts to find out what strange happenings are going on in Hellfjord.

Really worth a try, this series will have you laughing out loud and flinching at points too. A range of strange characters are introduced, including dirty old women and terrible hitmen. 

Zahid Ali makes a great main character as the funny, shy and bemused Salmander. His flawed personality is both relatable and a great source of entertainment. Whether he is dancing outlandishly, saying the wrong thing or randomly touching things while sneaking about, he just brings in the laughs.

Very funny, very different, intriguing and there's a sea serpent, too! I recommend you give Hellfjord a try! It is by far my favourite new discovery, thanks to Fright Fest!

[Image: Film Camp]

 

Hani

Glasgow Film Festival: Fright Fest

I'm currently at Glasgow Fright Fest 2013 enjoying some movies and the company of like-minded people! Whoever said horror wasn't about bringing people together?!

The show has so far been very entertaining between the films and the Q&A sessions with some of the Directors and actors! This is the first one of these that I've been to, and I'm really enjoying the whole experience.

I'll definitely be back next year, and would recommend it to anyone in the vicinity if you haven't been before. Although, don't get your hopes up for freebies, there aren't many and if you're at the back you've got no chance unless you have wings...

Sawney: Flesh of Man

"Sawney: Flesh of Man" (2012, Ricky Wood, Philabeg Films) is the gore-soaked, blood drenched, modern day take on the old Scottish Cannibal legend of Sawney Bean and his in-bred family.

Sawney's back (or at least, one of his ancestors is) with a new, smaller, smarter family of in-bred cannibals (some of whom seem to be free-running, in-bred ninjas!), and this time they're not just waiting on passers by to get their munch on!

Excellently put together, completely depraved in parts, humorous and with really good special effects, this indie horror is a winner.

The picturesque surroundings are really atmospheric, and I'm happy to see that it is actually Scotland and with not many, if any, CGI effects.

The acting is good, and David Hayman in particular is excellent as the religious, maniac, cannibal daddy of the household. He delivers a crazed but strangely charismatic character with a glee that will make you uncomfortable.

There is rape of both sexes in this film, however, and a lot of gore. So it's not for the faint hearted!

[Image: Philabeg Films]

Hani