The Thirst

"The Thirst" (2006, Jeremy Kasten, Anchor Bay Entertainment, Starz) is a vampire B-Movie I bought for 4 main reasons.

1. It was £1.50
2. It stars quite a bounty of Whedon alumni: Clare Kramer ('Glory' from BTVS and she was also in the original 'Bring It On'), Adam Baldwin ('Jayne' from Firefly), Tom Lenk ('Andrew' from BTVS and Angel) and Serena Scott Thomas (also a Buffy alumni)
3. It looked gory
4. At least 2 Rasputina songs are featured in it (listen out for the song 'Antique High Heel Red Doll Shoes' - it's weirdly awesome!)

 The film is about addiction, as vampire films sometimes are (see 'Lost Boys: The Thirst'). Maxx (Matt Keeslar, who you may know from 'Dune') and his girlfriend, Lisa (Clare Kramer) are recovering drug addicts. What particular drug is not mentioned, so I'm going to guess heroine.

Maxx is attending something similar to AA Meetings, but Lisa is not. Actually, she is stripping at a sleazy nightclub wearing a 'Hitgirl'-esque wig (of course, this was before 'Kick Ass' came out). Maxx shares with the group that he suspects that Lisa is still using and is hiding it from him. Little does he know that she's in fact hiding something completely different and equally deadly, from him.

Lisa can't face the world and commits suicide, leaving Maxx completely distraught. Before he reaches the point of no return, his buddies take him to an erotic nightclub where besides meeting some interesting characters including submissive/bottom, Kronos (Tom Lenk), Maxx also swears that he spies Lisa dancing.

He can't stand the nagging feeling that he really saw her, so returns to the club asking for her and gains access to the VIP room... It's safe to say he didn't find what he was expecting!

The story's OK, and I love at least 3 of the actors, but the film just isn't a keeper, I'm afraid. There is a lot of blood and a fair amount of boobs and dancing to keep you entertained. Adam Baldwin is pretty much Jayne with more bloodlust, and the leader of the vampire gang, Darius (Jeremy Sisto) is entertaining. There's a lot of fight scenes and trippy scenes (one scene may disturb cat lovers), and generally this film should be good, but it's just not. As a low-budget lover, I should find this to be a hidden gem, but you know I think it's just badly put together. The editing is below par and even a whole truck-load of fake blood isn't going to fix that!

I think, had they decided if Maxx was a dick or a nice guy, his love story with Lisa would have been more filled out. As it was, I just didn't really care. Also, if they had played a little more on the mystique of seeing Lisa in the club, it would have mean't more. Everything seemed to be suddenly resolved very quickly. It was as if they had cut out masses of plot to get more tits in! I mean, what is this, a low budget vampire chick movie?!... oh, wait....

Really, they tried to fit too much in and ended up giving a terribly edited and unmoving plot. However, I liked the ending; artsy and complete, they didn't torture us with the thought of any sequels!

So yes, the film is awful. It's not funny. It's not well written, and aside from some attractive cast members (both for cult status and just normal attractiveness POV), there just isn't much in this film I'd compliment.

But there are a lot of naked people and some terrible one liners. Some of the special effects were not too bad (eg. burning effects, wounds...), but the blood sprays were just ludicrous and everyone who was getting eaten, hurt or stabbed just seemed to lie there and take it and scream half-heartedly about it. There is a fair amount of gore and blood, though, so if you like Hellraiser-esque OTT blood baths, then you may enjoy this.

But I'd recommend many other movies over this one. And I'm afraid Mr. DVD, it's straight to the charity shop with you!

[Picture: Starz & Anchor Bay Entertainment]

Hani